I am becoming more and more aware that I lack sincerity. And I hate to recognise it. I hate to feel how God does not respond to my prayer, how it points to my lack of sincere desire for her Love. I used to think that I was sincere, that God was the problem. God does not really care. He has more important things to do than spending time with me. And I don’t really want her Love anyway because it comes with a bunch of strings and demands attached to it, in particular that I feel all my emotional pains, that I tell the truth all the time, that I chose to stop wanting my addictions met and wanting to feed others addiction for the sake of feeling better about myself.
I am in terror of letting go of my facade of the “nice guy”
Everyday of my life, I have chosen insincerity towards people and towards God in some ways. Even towards myself which is even worse. Now, I try to be a bit more honest about it. It’s very scary because I feel I will be hated, rejected, attacked, judged, humiliated, condescended to for being sincere. Let me be more radically honest. I am in terror of letting go of my facade of the “nice guy”. I am so attached to it. But it is such a painful lie that I am ashamed about.
I have come to see more and more thanks to the teachings and personal feedback from Jesus and Mary (Divine Truth Website) that I am not that ‘nice person’ I wanted to believe I was and in so many ways. I don’t really believe it anymore. I am just trying hard to hide it to the world but it sucks so much. I am in a lot of emotional pain and some physical pain as a result of maintaining my facade. Everyday, I want control of everything that is happening, and I am raging when anything goes wrong. I am becoming a control freak.
My ‘daddy’s power game’ blocking God’s love
I have just recently come to realise how my lack of connection with my father as a child has had a major impact in my desire to sin with men and women and my lack of relationship with God. The lack of interest of my father for me, his preference for my older brother and his own low sense of self have been creating a very low self esteem in myself as a kid, feeding beliefs like ‘I am not worthy of his time, love, consideration, interest, etc’ I know they are false beliefs. But at 57, I still believe them. And as a result, I have been striving to get approval and acceptance from authority males figures my entire life. I need to be perfect, make no mistake, and work frantically hard for having men to tell me I am great, or just ‘good enough’. I try to get men’s approval all the time, it feels like an everlasting competition for recognition to avoid my lack of self worth feelings. I am exhausted by this power game.
Well, I am in this same ‘daddy power game’ with God. Unlike human, God does not answer any demand. God wants me to feel and release my false beliefs about myself so I can grow a sincere desire for his Love. Just Because I feel worthy of it and desire it rather than to demand his Love to avoid feeling unlovable. Jesus teaches that God wants to give his Love, even to me. I don’t know about that yet for sure but would like to find out.
Emotional Incest: what I got from mum and what it costed me
Then, there is how I treat women. Badly. The very fact that I was feeling unworthy as a boy, neglected by an absent and violent father, combined with my unhappy mother striving to feel like ‘a good mum’ and to avoid her sadness about not feeling a good mother for my 2 older siblings (she was studying and working hard at that time) and about feeling unloved by her husband, made me open, very open to receive her ‘special treatment’ making me to feel like an ‘especially good boy’. She made me feel that someone cares about myself and that I do matter somehow. But that came with a heavy price attached to it. I had to be what she wanted me to be. Nice, kind, happy, etc, not angry like my dad, listening to her, making her feel like a good mum.
I felt very suppressed, sad, lonely, and terrorized in this family environment. To survive, I developed a strong ‘happy good boy’ facade as a way to cope with my mother’s expectations and to get attention and approval from my dad. There was no place for the real little Pierre there. It was buried alive, very insecure in this family environment. Between my birth and my early 20s, I have been sick a lot: allergies, asthma, fever, nose running all the time, chronic bronchitis, appendicitis. I also was a sweet sugar addict with lots of dental cavities as a result. When I left the family home during Uni, it all suddenly disappeared.
Striving to get worth feelings from men and women and avoiding my grief
As a result of my childhood family’s dynamic, and because of my strong desire for my facade and my lack of desire to be sincere, I have just become the adult version of the child I was raised to be : striving to get worth feelings from men and women to avoid my grief, loneliness and powerlessness at all cost. I use overeating and internet distractions to bury my pain. I also use sexual projections to make me feel powerful without having to give anything in return. I have used porn and have entered sexual transactions in the sleep state with the same selfish unloving motivation.
I do have strong demands towards men and women to make me feel good, worthy and desirable. I have become more and more angry as I am getting older that I don’t receive the same attention I strive for from women, and still work very hard to get some approval from men.
I selfishly feed her addiction so she feeds mine in return and we both feel ‘good’
I have become so angry that I have to sacrifice myself to get what I want from a woman, that I have given up the desire for an intimate relationship. What I mean is to get what I demand in a relationship, my mum taught me to make my girl feel safe and good about herself. I selfishly feed her addiction so she feeds mine in return and we both feel ‘good’. This is all I have ever known about a relationship with a woman, I always lose myself. Well, there is no love in that kind of relationship. Love is a gift with no string attached, right? That kind of unloving relationship does not last, is meant to break up. God created the universe based on love, his laws aim at destroying everything that is not loving. That’s why I am alone again. And it is another painful failure as a result of my lack of sincerity and my desire to keep sinning.
I have given up to be loved, but for how long?
I have sadly given up to be loved. And to love. Yes, I am angry. I am in pain. But at the same time, I am a bit more sincere about where I really am right now, I am not a very nice person at all, and however scary it might feel, there is a hope that one day I might desire something better, to let go my facade and experiment what love really is, that I might feel what it means to love someone and maybe be loved in a sincere way. Jesus told us that sin is a temporary condition. So, I will keep praying everyday, and some day, I will be totally honest. That’s for sure. I just hope it will be before I pass.