I am becoming more and more aware that I lack sincerity. And I hate to recognise it. I hate to feel how God does not respond to my prayer, how it points to my lack of sincere desire for her Love. I used to think that I was sincere, that God was the problem. God does not really care. He has more important things to do than spending time with me. And I don’t really want her Love anyway because it comes with a bunch of strings and demands attached to it, in particular that I feel all my emotional pains, that I tell the truth all the time, that I chose to stop wanting my addictions met and wanting to feed others addiction for the sake of feeling better about myself.
I am in terror of letting go of my facade of the “nice guy”
Everyday of my life, I have chosen insincerity towards people and towards God in some ways. Even towards myself which is even worse. Now, I try to be a bit more honest about it. It’s very scary because I feel I will be hated, rejected, attacked, judged, humiliated, condescended to for being sincere. Let me be more radically honest. I am in terror of letting go of my facade of the “nice guy”. I am so attached to it. But it is such a painful lie that I am ashamed about.
I have come to see more and more thanks to the teachings and personal feedback from Jesus and Mary (Divine Truth Website) that I am not that ‘nice person’ I wanted to believe I was and in so many ways. I don’t really believe it anymore. I am just trying hard to hide it to the world but it sucks so much. I am in a lot of emotional pain and some physical pain as a result of maintaining my facade. Everyday, I want control of everything that is happening, and I am raging when anything goes wrong. I am becoming a control freak.
My ‘daddy’s power game’ blocking God’s love
I have just recently come to realise how my lack of connection with my father as a child has had a major impact in my desire to sin with men and women and my lack of relationship with God. The lack of interest of my father for me, his preference for my older brother and his own low sense of self have been creating a very low self esteem in myself as a kid, feeding beliefs like ‘I am not worthy of his time, love, consideration, interest, etc’ I know they are false beliefs. But at 57, I still believe them. And as a result, I have been striving to get approval and acceptance from authority males figures my entire life. I need to be perfect, make no mistake, and work frantically hard for having men to tell me I am great, or just ‘good enough’. I try to get men’s approval all the time, it feels like an everlasting competition for recognition to avoid my lack of self worth feelings. I am exhausted by this power game.
Well, I am in this same ‘daddy power game’ with God. Unlike human, God does not answer any demand. God wants me to feel and release my false beliefs about myself so I can grow a sincere desire for his Love. Just Because I feel worthy of it and desire it rather than to demand his Love to avoid feeling unlovable. Jesus teaches that God wants to give his Love, even to me. I don’t know about that yet for sure but would like to find out.
Emotional Incest: what I got from mum and what it costed me
Then, there is how I treat women. Badly. The very fact that I was feeling unworthy as a boy, neglected by an absent and violent father, combined with my unhappy mother striving to feel like ‘a good mum’ and to avoid her sadness about not feeling a good mother for my 2 older siblings (she was studying and working hard at that time) and about feeling unloved by her husband, made me open, very open to receive her ‘special treatment’ making me to feel like an ‘especially good boy’. She made me feel that someone cares about myself and that I do matter somehow. But that came with a heavy price attached to it. I had to be what she wanted me to be. Nice, kind, happy, etc, not angry like my dad, listening to her, making her feel like a good mum.
I felt very suppressed, sad, lonely, and terrorized in this family environment. To survive, I developed a strong ‘happy good boy’ facade as a way to cope with my mother’s expectations and to get attention and approval from my dad. There was no place for the real little Pierre there. It was buried alive, very insecure in this family environment. Between my birth and my early 20s, I have been sick a lot: allergies, asthma, fever, nose running all the time, chronic bronchitis, appendicitis. I also was a sweet sugar addict with lots of dental cavities as a result. When I left the family home during Uni, it all suddenly disappeared.
Striving to get worth feelings from men and women and avoiding my grief
As a result of my childhood family’s dynamic, and because of my strong desire for my facade and my lack of desire to be sincere, I have just become the adult version of the child I was raised to be : striving to get worth feelings from men and women to avoid my grief, loneliness and powerlessness at all cost. I use overeating and internet distractions to bury my pain. I also use sexual projections to make me feel powerful without having to give anything in return. I have used porn and have entered sexual transactions in the sleep state with the same selfish unloving motivation.
I do have strong demands towards men and women to make me feel good, worthy and desirable. I have become more and more angry as I am getting older that I don’t receive the same attention I strive for from women, and still work very hard to get some approval from men.
I selfishly feed her addiction so she feeds mine in return and we both feel ‘good’
I have become so angry that I have to sacrifice myself to get what I want from a woman, that I have given up the desire for an intimate relationship. What I mean is to get what I demand in a relationship, my mum taught me to make my girl feel safe and good about herself. I selfishly feed her addiction so she feeds mine in return and we both feel ‘good’. This is all I have ever known about a relationship with a woman, I always lose myself. Well, there is no love in that kind of relationship. Love is a gift with no string attached, right? That kind of unloving relationship does not last, is meant to break up. God created the universe based on love, his laws aim at destroying everything that is not loving. That’s why I am alone again. And it is another painful failure as a result of my lack of sincerity and my desire to keep sinning.
I have given up to be loved, but for how long?
I have sadly given up to be loved. And to love. Yes, I am angry. I am in pain. But at the same time, I am a bit more sincere about where I really am right now, I am not a very nice person at all, and however scary it might feel, there is a hope that one day I might desire something better, to let go my facade and experiment what love really is, that I might feel what it means to love someone and maybe be loved in a sincere way. Jesus told us that sin is a temporary condition. So, I will keep praying everyday, and some day, I will be totally honest. That’s for sure. I just hope it will be before I pass.
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Hello Cornelius,you have good insights into your life.wishing you all the best and a whole lot more.in my opinion your a good,feeling,hardworking,honest bloke 👍.✊🙏❤️👌
Cornelius is maybe. But I am just Pierre. No need to say that John, you just try to make me feel good about myself. Don’t think you even know me, do you?
Hello Pierre,yes you are correct I don’t know you at all.I believed I was responding and referring to Cornelius,kind regards John Patterson 👍.✊🙏❤️👌
How funny that you confused Cornelius with Pierre.
By the way, if you need a plumber’s apprentice… although I am already 50 years old, but in my “curriculum” there is not a little of having known this Divine Truth 🙂 and the need to become more practical 🙂
It would perhaps be very good to also set up many of these greenhouses with geothermal energy (I link a video* – perhaps very well known – of a retired man from Nebraska who had his oranges in the snow, helped by geothermal energy
* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZD_3_gsgsnk ),
if you know of any company that does it… and that wants me as a Spanish partner, for now still “useless”, and without capital… 🙂
But I also “need” to start with the groups of sharing divine truth and seeing spirits… all at once 🙂
happy new year
Hello,
thanks a lot!
Iván here, answering in a similar situation 🙂
(By the way, I might be able to speak broken English, some French, etc., on a call if we ever make the one that was left pending. —
We can prepare sort of a “voice-course” online on the new language of the future 🙂 one day… which will be a mix of the language of your new homeland, Portugal, and Spanish, English, French, Russian, Chinese 🙂 )
I’m finally watching the Through the Mists material, which thanks to AI I’m able to translate more comfortably… at least in a first version.
And we really “have to” remember the effects of the resistance on Marie… the protagonist of chapter 9… And be glad to be able to feel “terrible things” before death, before it becomes even more difficult for us to remain only “judging emotions”…
(although many of us will not even be touching part of that cold in the law of compensation…).
It is very hard for our facade to have to recognize that this phrase is false.
Remember how many times we have been told that the fault is no longer the damage received in that dynamic, but that right now we continue to exercise the lack of humility with that damage (and live in resistance/fear of change, fear of love, action, etc.).
Thank you for expressing the wounded self in a certain way :), although, of course, we know that we “have to” do it by feeling it… and as well as “feeling it towards God” too… ugh.
Wow, already in theory we “know” that we need to express that anger like little children…, even expressing it with words.
We remember how Jesus and Mary M. often comment on it, that they only released anger by expressing it, even with words.
____
And phew, it seems that the same thing happens to many of us as men, that, although we may have left some addictions a long time ago (porn, meat, etc.), however, the resistances are still there…
… the resistances to that damage that we reaped from with addictions (and now a lot of resistance to feeling the damage of compensation for years of addictions?).
We know that “in theory” it is wonderful to realize these resistances, even if it is a little… but that we do not live in them… of course.
So with a lot of faith I have to mentally prepare myself to ask God all the time how he feels about all things, but also about the apparently cruel acts of the justice of the law of compensation (the things you talk about).
So are you going through a kind of “renewed stage” regarding that “basic teaching” of J&M, about “clearly telling God that we do not want”, and things like that?
(although we rationalize things, and you rationalize many things in the text that you know are not true, hahaha, because God really does waste his time with us… since in theory he has no time for anything, but eternity for everything 🙂 ).
And nothing, no matter how much we remember that it is not the wounds that really do us harm, but our resistance… we are like self-possessed by our lack of acceptance of our facade… and it seems that in this way we are at the mercy of dependencies with spirits.
Perhaps you are feeling better the attack of some, as they are noticing that they can no longer handle you as much? Will they have much revenge?
Let us remember those pushes and pulls with spirits: that, if we move a little in desire…, if we pull the will upwards… then, the “poor” cloud of spirits (where perhaps there is someone that is stuck without knowing very well what is happening)…
… the cloud, I said, the cloud that was there, as if stuck or a little accustomed to it…
… then,
what if now we are like dragging them, because we detach the desire a little from the will…
and we detach… without them knowing towards what…
and then we bring them ─I bring to me, and to them─ the feeling of “fear/resistance to change”…?
… and everything stirs up like a real hornet’s nest? 🙂
For example, I still haven’t tried to contact the ex-partner who ended up having an abortion, not again.
I wished that she would have an abortion; many years ago; it was tremendous; I left the house where we were to avoid my shame and the harm of childhood in general… to avoid crying over it.
The deep harm evidently resurfaced there, in that situation of seeing myself “as a father”, when I have and had an “enormous shame” of “being a man”
(being the son of a single mother with a shameful situation… a very traumatized grandmother who “dominated emotionally”…, but we know that it is my arrogance, deep down ─if we call the opposite of humility arrogance, as is logical to do and we see in DT teachings sometimes─).
I greatly enhanced the desire for abortion, the desire in her… and even when we still had another opportunity for her not to do it, because according to what she ended up doing, it was very clear that “she was not willing to have the child alone.”
It is incredible that the “acceptance of a life” (the physical death of someone) makes it dependent on others.
She, in this case, of her partner’s decision; and I in this case of my decision not to feel what was emerging… thus repeating the act of those adults who “were so hateful to us”, who surrounded us teaching us not to feel “with”.