Author: pierrejoseph99

Becoming sincere vs my desire to sin: the battle of my soul

A sharing about my battle to unveil my facade and become more sincere

pierrejoseph995 Comments

I am becoming more and more aware that I lack sincerity. And I hate to recognise it. I hate to feel how God does not respond to my prayer, how it points to my lack of sincere desire for her Love. I used to think that I was sincere, that God was the problem. God does not really care. He has more important things to do than spending time with me. And I don’t really want her Love anyway because it comes with a bunch of strings and demands attached to it, in particular that I feel all my emotional pains, that I tell the truth all the time, that I chose to stop wanting my addictions met and wanting to feed others addiction for the sake of feeling better about myself.

I am in terror of letting go of my facade of the “nice guy”

Everyday of my life, I have chosen insincerity towards people and towards God in some ways. Even towards myself which is even worse. Now, I try to be a bit more honest about it. It’s very scary because I feel I will be hated, rejected, attacked, judged, humiliated, condescended to for being sincere. Let me be more radically honest. I am in terror of letting go of my facade of the “nice guy”. I am so attached to it. But it is such a painful lie that I am ashamed about.

I have come to see more and more thanks to the teachings and personal feedback from Jesus and Mary (Divine Truth Website) that I am not that ‘nice person’ I wanted to believe I was and in so many ways. I don’t really believe it anymore. I am just trying hard to hide it to the world but it sucks so much. I am in a lot of emotional pain and some physical pain as a result of maintaining my facade. Everyday, I want control of everything that is happening, and I am raging when anything goes wrong. I am becoming a control freak.

My ‘daddy’s power game’ blocking God’s love

I have just recently come to realise how my lack of connection with my father as a child has had a major impact in my desire to sin with men and women and my lack of relationship with God. The lack of interest of my father for me, his preference for my older brother and his own low sense of self have been creating a very low self esteem in myself as a kid, feeding beliefs like ‘I am not worthy of his time, love, consideration, interest, etc’ I know they are false beliefs. But at 57, I still believe them. And as a result, I have been striving to get approval and acceptance from authority males figures my entire life. I need to be perfect, make no mistake, and work frantically hard for having men to tell me I am great, or just ‘good enough’. I try to get men’s approval all the time, it feels like an everlasting competition for recognition to avoid my lack of self worth feelings. I am exhausted by this power game.

Well, I am in this same ‘daddy power game’ with God. Unlike human, God does not answer any demand. God wants me to feel and release my false beliefs about myself so I can grow a sincere desire for his Love. Just Because I feel worthy of it and desire it rather than to demand his Love to avoid feeling unlovable. Jesus teaches that God wants to give his Love, even to me. I don’t know about that yet for sure but would like to find out.

Emotional Incest: what I got from mum and what it costed me

Then, there is how I treat women. Badly. The very fact that I was feeling unworthy as a boy, neglected by an absent and violent father, combined with my unhappy mother striving to feel like ‘a good mum’ and to avoid her sadness about not feeling a good mother for my 2 older siblings (she was studying and working hard at that time) and about feeling unloved by her husband, made me open, very open to receive her ‘special treatment’ making me to feel like an ‘especially good boy’. She made me feel that someone cares about myself and that I do matter somehow. But that came with a heavy price attached to it. I had to be what she wanted me to be. Nice, kind, happy, etc, not angry like my dad, listening to her, making her feel like a good mum.

I felt very suppressed, sad, lonely, and terrorized in this family environment. To survive, I developed a strong ‘happy good boy’ facade as a way to cope with my mother’s expectations and to get attention and approval from my dad. There was no place for the real little Pierre there. It was buried alive, very insecure in this family environment. Between my birth and my early 20s, I have been sick a lot: allergies, asthma, fever, nose running all the time, chronic bronchitis, appendicitis. I also was a sweet sugar addict with lots of dental cavities as a result. When I left the family home during Uni, it all suddenly disappeared.

Striving to get worth feelings from men and women and avoiding my grief

As a result of my childhood family’s dynamic, and because of my strong desire for my facade and my lack of desire to be sincere, I have just become the adult version of the child I was raised to be : striving to get worth feelings from men and women to avoid my grief, loneliness and powerlessness at all cost. I use overeating and internet distractions to bury my pain. I also use sexual projections to make me feel powerful without having to give anything in return. I have used porn and have entered sexual transactions in the sleep state with the same selfish unloving motivation.

I do have strong demands towards men and women to make me feel good, worthy and desirable.  I have become more and more angry as I am getting older that I don’t receive the same attention I strive for from women, and still work very  hard to get some approval from men.

I selfishly feed her addiction so she feeds mine in return and we both feel ‘good’

I have become so angry that I have to sacrifice myself to get what I want from a woman, that I have given up the desire for an intimate relationship. What I mean is to get what I demand in a relationship, my mum taught me to make my girl feel safe and good about herself. I selfishly feed her addiction so she feeds mine in return and we both feel ‘good’. This is all I have ever known about a relationship with a woman, I always lose myself. Well, there is no love in that kind of relationship. Love is a gift with no string attached, right? That kind of unloving relationship does not last, is meant to break up. God created the universe based on love, his laws aim at destroying everything that is not loving. That’s why I am alone again. And it is another painful failure as a result of my lack of sincerity and my desire to keep sinning.

I have given up to be loved, but for how long?

I have sadly given up to be loved. And to love. Yes, I am angry. I am in pain. But at the same time, I am a bit more sincere about where I really am right now, I am not a very nice person at all, and however scary it might feel, there is a hope that one day I might desire something better, to let go my facade and experiment what love really is, that I might feel what it means to love someone and maybe be loved in a sincere way. Jesus told us that sin is a temporary condition. So, I will keep praying everyday, and some day, I will be totally honest. That’s for sure. I just hope it will be before I pass.

I want to sing my own song

pierrejoseph99Leave a comment

Just try to be a good boy
But i don’t belong
I feel all alone in this cold place

There is no home to me
No place of refuge
Nobody to talk to
I feel just a stranger here

I want to sing my own song

Give me my drug please, little crumbs of “love”
I will be your puppet to play with

Inside I feel never enough
Just terror
Can’t breath
Can’t cry
So better to pretend be a good boy

O Pierre,
Don’t say this
Don’t do that
Don’t be like that
It’s never safe to be me
I have better to desert the lonely inner land

I want to sing my own song
But it has no words
No music
Emptiness and desolation

Pierre Joseph
April 2023

Tapada do Castelo: an experimental place for my soul and others in Central Portugal

pierrejoseph99Leave a comment
Site icon
Tapada do Castelo: an experimental place for my soul and others in Central Portugal

In February 2022, I bought a 2,7ha piece of land in Serra São Mamede, Portalegre, Alentejo in Central East Portugal.

It is a wonderful natural off grid place of experimentation to find out more about my soul and welcome people who wishes to grow their soul in love and experiment all kinds of things: environmental recovery, building, land management, creativity, self responsibility, living in the wilderness and connecting to nature, a pure and abundant recovering oak and chestnut trees forest ecosystem.

For more information, or if you wish to visit, be a volunteer or support the project through a donation, you may visit:

Tapada do Castelo

Divine Truth Followers Interviews

pierrejoseph99

Hi,

Last year when I visited Australia for a few months, I have had the privilege to interview a few of my friends who are “Divine Truth followers” in the sense that have been listening and at least attempting to engage the Divine Truth teachings to various extents in their life.

They have been courageous enough to accept my invitation and come expose to a public audience intimate accounts of their life and some of their personal experiences and feelings since they have discovered the Div deine Truth Teachings.

Each interview is based on a list of questions that you can find under the video along with a direct timeline link to the video. The series of questions are generally divided in 3 parts (4 parts in a different set of questions for David Walsh due to his particular life):

  1. Life
  2. Discovery of Divine Truth
  3. Personal experiments about Divine Truth

I have personally found very inspiring what they agreed to share and I have been often deeply touched by their courage and sincerity. I hope you will enjoy listening to them as much as I did when we recorded them and that it might inspire you to engage the Divine Truth teachings in your life as well. All these people are really beautiful persons to get to know better. Another 2 interviews have still to be edited and will be added to this blog later.

I also published them on my YouTube channel https://youtube.com/channel/UCxG9uMbSaEuIZlVexAkzLcg

Interview 1 in 2 parts: Tim Vögelin

Interview 2 in 4 parts : David Walsh aka Cornelius

Interview 3 in 3 parts : Jadda Jessop

Interview 4 in 3 parts : Paul Simmons

nterview 5 in 3 parts : Graham Sutherland

Becoming an angel : what is it about and how to?

pierrejoseph99


This is everybody’s birth potential gift from God. Not a childish imaginary dream, not a thought or a religious idea, not a creation of our imagination. A reality. Yes.

If only this was taught by our care takers and school teachers as a potential reality, then children would naturally want to become their best available potential. They would reach out to become the best and happiest person they can become. Who would not? Spiritual and moral life would become paramount, an imoveable reality in our society.

Any interest in becoming the best you can ever be?

Every moment, we reap what we sow. Not according to our understanding of human or God’s spiritual and moral laws. According to God’s actual laws. So we have better to discover and understand God’s laws if we ever want to become an angel the best we can ever be.

This takes commitment and lot’s of time and study and experimenting. And courage.

Personally I had not a clue about it. I have now more of a devil full of false beliefs and unloving intentions than an angel. Because this is what I have been taught to be and that was what I chose to believe in during most of my life. But it does not have to stay like this. I have not learned anything about God’s way before I was 44 after I decided to question and seek the source of my own pain and the ways to heal it. Becoming more God’s like is possible for anybody who desires it. This is a challenging road for sure but the joy of discovery and growth in disconstructing the false beliefs and facade is worth the effort 1000 times.

When I shared about it on a public place back a few years ago, the only audience who believed they might follow a way to become an angel were children. They were curious. They questioned me. They were willing to keep an open heart and mind that it might be true and it is best to investigate. It is the place where the experiment can start.

We have to keep as an adult this open investigative mind/heart if we ever want to become the best we can. This is a important quality.

In this incredible time, the way to become an angel has been made available for all again thanks to Jesus and Mary and 12 other angels who have come back from the highest heaven to teach how to do it by exemple. Just for the sake of love. What a gift!

For more information about who and what are angels:

My experiments about (lack of) self responsibility and self discovery

pierrejoseph99Leave a comment

I have been experimenting during all my life not wanting to take personal responsibility, pendering to others fear and anger, pleasing others in order to get feel good feelings from them back at me, avoiding that I have my own will, avoiding the consequences of my actions, avoiding to follow my own desires and do what others want me to do instead, and freaking out about making mistakes when I made my own choices. I am an expert in all of that. And I can say for sure this experiment leads to the depletion of the soul, to pain sadness to anger wanting to blame anybody and the world for it.

Exploring my own will has been a great idea and I have started it 13 years ago putting all my resources into it, all my time and money. However, I have not desired to take responsibility for my choices and actions. I have always wanted to avoid every bit of potential painful outcome and it sucks. Until recently.

I also have been exploring when my will is unpopular, not cool, against family friends or society standards, but not yet – the worse for me – when someone got scared or angry and tried actively to convince me it is best not or to manipulate me into not doing it… Here again the experiment has started only recently for me.

For the last 6 months experimenting, every choice, everything I have desired to do from a desire to take more responsibility in my life even sometimes against somebody else pushing me hard not to do it ( it is wrong it is terrible …), has revealed a good thing and brought peace and joy and harmony in my soul and also in those around me as a result of it. So getting to experience that I have a will of my own even against all odds is a fantastic discovery.

The second thing that definitely has been a worthwhile experiment is seeking radical truth about myself and the universe I live in. I have been experimenting this for the last 13ish years and while it might have hurt at times when I have discovered unloving things about me, eventually the outcome has always been more joy and freedom when I got to emotionally accept it as a truth about me. Today I see and understand way more – although far from all yet – of myself – the good and bad – not judging it and it brings joy and freedom in my soul. Some things I still want to avoid about who I truly am and this brings pain and sadness and ressentiment.

I can now say that “self-responsability” – which is by Jesus definition, a sincere seeking for Love and Truth and understanding of all principles of God’s laws and Love and Truth, and the loving expression and ownership of all my feelings and desires and emotions and intentions (in a humble way to engage and feel them and not blame the world for not to) – bring a positive compensation, a deep soul based feeling of joy and peace that I am all right and safe.

Self Responsibility is a Key aspect to soul development that leads to true happiness, positive outcomes and compensation.

I am still afraid in many circonstances but I am growing some faith in this and faith helps to overcome fears.

The Greatest Experiment

pierrejoseph99Leave a comment

A few weeks ago I received an invitation from Laura Berry, a Facebook friend, to write a poem about humility and the way to God. Here is what she wrote:

A Journey To Humility

Hi all, I have been wanting to do this for about 6 months, and It feels like a stronger desire now, I would like to put together an anthology of poems that are about yours/our journeys to humility and in relation to God, I want this anthology to be a safe place people can talk about God and express their feelings and what they have learned (hopefully the uplifting aspects). This can include any experience, revelations, moments on your journeys where you have felt humbled or surrendered to your emotions and the benefits and beauty of that. God is allowed to be included

I would like to collect as many as possible in the next coming year, and will then collaborate them all into a pdf, book, for free distribution. Anyone can share it or put it on their blogs etc. All I ask is for honesty and love to go into your work. Poems or prose, and to keep it in theme and on the topic of humility. length doesn’t matter, 4 lines, or two pages. Rhyming or non rhyming. Experience doesn’t matter. Nor how many you wish to submit, the more the merrier. But I would like those contributing to be open to God and the teaching of the divine love and who see it as a positive and beautiful thing.

The intention is to create a free book that uplifts people into the beauty of humility and helps open souls to this quality and helps people see the positive value of humility in all our lives.

It is an experiment, labour of love and a service.

But hopefully a beautiful book will be created at the end of it and as I have found writing poems, helps me grow my soul in the area it is about too, so there may be personal benefits in writing the poems or prose.

If any one is interested, If they could IM me on fb, or email me at guitartist@live.co.uk with the poem or prose, email titled Humility Poem, email address and your name, also any blog or website I can credit the authors with, listed at the end of the book.

When the book is ready for distribution, I will email you and send you all the pdf, which you can add to blogs, pass to people interested as you wish.

At the moment it will be unillustrated, unless an illustrator comes forth.

If there aren’t many poems will still produce a mini one. The book will be called ´A Journey To Humility´ to help keep people in theme, and it conveys the intention of the book.

Hopefully a positive book about the topic of humility and God will be the end result.

(Also if you have any suggestions let me know, this is a project and I want it to be loving.)

Here is what I finally wrote and sent back to Laura, it is about the Greatest Experiment, and how I discovered God through sincere prayer.

“The Greatest Experiment

God was not real for me before then.

It was just a human invention.

This was what my parents told me.

I said no words.

But inside, I was questioning it.

How do they know?

I started a quest for healing and truth when I turned 40.

Not focused on God.

I just wanted to know the truth about me,

And everything.

Life did not make any sense to me,

Living eighty years, and then dying in pain and suffering.

How can that be just the end of the story?

I wanted to know who I am and why am I here,

And what happens after I die,

And the truth about all the questions,

That never got answered when I was a child.

After about 4 years of this quest,

And many discoveries,

That never fully satisfied my curiosity,

I got given the prayer for Divine Love,

That Jesus wrote in the first century,

I learned and recited by heart the prayer,

I prayed many times a day,

Every day for 40 days.

I was sitting there, waiting.

In vain.

There was no answer.

Then, thanks to my teacher from then,

I found a link to the Divine Truth YouTube channel.

I started watching the Secrets of the universe video,

And many other teachings about God, and the human soul too.

I felt very emotional and moved.

I cried a lot.

I did not understand what was happening to me.

I was mesmerized.

I could not help but keep watching more and more videos,

Days and nights.

As I kept experiencing about praying,

One day,

All of a sudden,

There was a moment where everything changed in my life.

That moment, I wanted to know so strongly.

That moment, my heart was open to feel the truth.

That moment, I was humble to feel my emotions.

That moment, I was open to feel loved.

That moment, my prayer was personal and emotional and felt like this,

God, I don’t believe You are real, but,

If You really exist and have Love for me,

Please let me feel it now.

An intense and powerful flow of energy entered my heart.

I started crying loud like a baby.

I fell in tears onto my knees and asked,

Why have You ignored me all these years?

Why have you never been present when I needed you?

I felt immediately another flow of energy entering me as an answer,

I have always been there with you,

It is You that have closed your heart to Me.

God got me by surprise.

I lost any notion of time and space.

I felt extremely safe for the first time in my life,

Although soft and vulnerable like a baby.

A feeling of fearlessness,

That nothing bad can happen.

After a while,

I became afraid to be so emotional,

Out of control,

I closed my heart and feelings again.

God was gone.

I fell profoundly asleep.

Since that day, I knew for sure,

I have a Father that loves me.

God is always there for me.

It is up to me to get into a condition of sincerity and openness,

To truly desire, feel and hear God.

The following days and weeks I kept praying.

But God did not answer me.

I tried harder and harder.

It was like he deserted me again.

My prayer was not sincere.

Spirits came and connected to me.

I had thoughts and felt emotions,

That I believed to be God’s and mine.

But there was not the same soft and gentle presence.

Not an overwhelming quality of Love entering me.

Over time, I learned to discern between God and spirits.

They are just human that once lived on earth and have passed.

Then, one day, I connected to God again.

My prayer was sincere.

And I felt loved again.

How foolish am I to stay closed to such a beautiful and generous being?

I realized how I missed God and desired Him in my life.

God is the best Parent and Friend,

The best Teacher of Love.

God is waiting for you to open your heart.

You do not need a book to know, Only to personally engage the Greatest Experiment.”

Then, I shared a second part I called “God is the solution”, about how important and challenging it is to develop a true relationship with God, and how much sincerity and humility you need therefore, and what I learned about this experiment over 7 years :

“God is the solution

Over the years, I started having a bit more experience with prayer.

I learned to know what a sincere prayer entails.

God always answers instantaneously a sincere prayer.

When I do not feel God’s answer,

I know it is not God’s desire to let me down.

It is always my lack of sincere desire that blocks the communication.

Now, I know God is my Mother too.

It is even harder for me to connect to Her.

Because of my unhealed relationship with my earthly mother.

My desire for Her is insincere.

God is helping me to heal my relationship with the opposite gender and my partner.

God is helping me to open my heart.

God is helping me to become softer and emotionally humble like a child.

God is helping me to become more sensitive to my pain when I break God’s laws of love.

God is helping me to feel more love for others, nature and all creatures.

God is helping me to discover all my unhealed emotions,

Rage and anger, fear and sadness, guilt and shame,

So, I can feel and release them,

And get free of pain and suffering.

God is helping me to feel how I lack love for self

God is helping me to feel how I am addicted to others liking me.

God has helped me to meet Alan John Miller,

Who claims to be Jesus of the Bible.

Jesus says he reincarnated on Earth

With 13 other people from the highest heavens.

Jesus lives in Australia, and teach about having a personal relationship with God.  

It is thanks to Jesus that I got to discover God.

Jesus says God’s Love transforms the soul into a Divine angel.

Jesus teaches he was the first Divine angel in the first Century,

And that we can all become a Divine angel.

You, me, everybody.

You just need to desire it.

A Divine angel has no fear.

Only love and joy.

A Divine angle is immortal,

And may grow his soul and receive new abilities,

Forever.

This is because of God’s Love.

Without God’s Love,

Even a human soul perfected in natural love is mortal,

And limited in growth and abilities,

Forever.

One must first forgive all the people who harmed them in their life,

And repent for all the people and things they harmed in their life,

Including how they treated God,

Before they ever can become a Divine angel.

This must be done according to God’s definition of love and harm,

Not men’s definition of love that is incorrect.

Now, I know God is real and loving.

God is not the rageful God of the Bible that men created.

God is a God of Love, Truth, Tenderness, Power, Abundance and Creativity.

God taught me many things.

God made me feel all people are really my brothers and sisters.

God made me feel my earthly parents were just care takers,

God is my true parents who created my soul.

God made me feel I have a soulmate who is the other halve of my soul.

God made me feel everybody can become a Divine angel like Jesus teaches, even myself.

God’s Love is amazing.

It gives faith that everything is well,

Even through the dark night of healing the soul.

Discovering and loving God is a great idea.

This is the best way to go.

It does not matter what others might believe.

If they do not know or believe in God,

It is just because they have not engaged the Greatest Experiment yet.

Everybody must know that God’s Love is waiting for them.

God wants to have a relationship with each and every one of Her children.

God’s Love is the solution for changing the world,

Into a loving place of one single family,

Caring for self, others and the environment. “

Feel free to write your own humility poem and email it back to Laura at guitartist@live.co.uk

Comments about Be Scofield article, “The New Predator: Spiritual Teacher Padma Aon Prakasha Accused of Abuse”

Journalist Be Scofield has just written a few days ago an article, entitled , “The New Predator: Spiritual Teacher Padma Aon Prakasha Accused of Abuse”. Here is what I feel about it.

pierrejoseph99
I do not support this article and did not give permission for Be Scofield to use parts of my testimony in it.
It is a radically sensationalized article with absolutely no care or love shown to any of the victims or Padma himself. It is an article of grandiose attack of Padma, full of unhealed anger and resentment, turning Padma into the evil man and a cult to fear, and all people testifying as just ‘poor victims’. It does not explain anything real about the ‘why’ it happened, and that the victims were often open to, and willing to stay in an abusive relationship, and attracted it in some way. It is just another article feeding the public terror of abusive and violent male cult leaders.
While the quotes in the article are truths that were shared by the victims, and I am not disputing the articles factual information, I feel the article’s intention is to glorify another cult story and attempting to pull Padma down and seek out ‘justice’, which is just guised as revenge.
I had a conversation with Be Scofield just after the article’s publication. I asked her how she could have used parts of my testimony without my permission, and she told me that a journalist can use any piece of writing that has been already made public. Whilst I do not know whether it is true or not, there was a disclaimer in the introduction of the FB public page with my and others testimonies (https://www.facebook.com/groups/840490166135558/?multi_permalinks=842212539296654&notif_id=1520536003028049&notif_t=feedback_reaction_generic&ref=notif ) “No part of these testimonials may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the person testifying”, and I feel it is completely immoral and unethical for a journalist to exploit such sensitive information without any regard for the individual’s involved.
Nothing healing can come out of an article like this. It is a mixture of dark, satanic, alien nonsense which takes away from the loving intention that many of us came out publicly for. I avoided this type of article coming forth, by not participating with journalists who we felt lacked integrity, but I cannot and do not want to control what others choose to do with their free will.
Here is the link to the article:
https://medium.com/@bescofield/the-new-predator-spiritual-teacher-padma-aon-prakasha-accused-of-abuse-c9f14a8bd696

Interview about my testimony concerning Padma Aon Prakasha abuses

Journalist Deidre Olsen interviews me about my testimony regarding meeting Padma Aon Prakasha, renewed public author and spiritual teacher, and how I became his student and teacher, being blindly emotionally manipulated and abused by him, and how I later realized it all.

pierrejoseph99

I further explain how Jesus and Mary helped me to become aware of my injuries and spiritual facade that made me open to Padma’s manipulations and abuses just because I was ignoring and avoiding my early childhood trauma’s. I became then unconsciously driven by pain and fears in a quest to feel good about myself: validated, approved, worth and special. Now that I have become more aware of my own childhood injuries, and have exposed and deconstructed a fair bit of my spiritual façade, people with evil intentions cannot abuse my weaknesses anymore in the same way Padma did. I do feel freedom and joy coming from knowing myself better, and being a more sincere and truthful expression of my true self, even though I have many other aspects of me that still need to be exposed, and healed.

Here is the link to the interview (49 minutes): https://drive.google.com/open?id=1JOW9dd5IzVny-RYU3anwATqUN2M8HWM7

NOTE: No part of this interview may be transcribed, reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, without my prior written permission.