I have been experimenting during all my life not wanting to take personal responsibility, pendering to others fear and anger, pleasing others in order to get feel good feelings from them back at me, avoiding that I have my own will, avoiding the consequences of my actions, avoiding to follow my own desires and do what others want me to do instead, and freaking out about making mistakes when I made my own choices. I am an expert in all of that. And I can say for sure this experiment leads to the depletion of the soul, to pain sadness to anger wanting to blame anybody and the world for it.

Exploring my own will has been a great idea and I have started it 13 years ago putting all my resources into it, all my time and money. However, I have not desired to take responsibility for my choices and actions. I have always wanted to avoid every bit of potential painful outcome and it sucks. Until recently.

I also have been exploring when my will is unpopular, not cool, against family friends or society standards, but not yet – the worse for me – when someone got scared or angry and tried actively to convince me it is best not or to manipulate me into not doing it… Here again the experiment has started only recently for me.

For the last 6 months experimenting, every choice, everything I have desired to do from a desire to take more responsibility in my life even sometimes against somebody else pushing me hard not to do it ( it is wrong it is terrible …), has revealed a good thing and brought peace and joy and harmony in my soul and also in those around me as a result of it. So getting to experience that I have a will of my own even against all odds is a fantastic discovery.

The second thing that definitely has been a worthwhile experiment is seeking radical truth about myself and the universe I live in. I have been experimenting this for the last 13ish years and while it might have hurt at times when I have discovered unloving things about me, eventually the outcome has always been more joy and freedom when I got to emotionally accept it as a truth about me. Today I see and understand way more – although far from all yet – of myself – the good and bad – not judging it and it brings joy and freedom in my soul. Some things I still want to avoid about who I truly am and this brings pain and sadness and ressentiment.

I can now say that “self-responsability” – which is by Jesus definition, a sincere seeking for Love and Truth and understanding of all principles of God’s laws and Love and Truth, and the loving expression and ownership of all my feelings and desires and emotions and intentions (in a humble way to engage and feel them and not blame the world for not to) – bring a positive compensation, a deep soul based feeling of joy and peace that I am all right and safe.

Self Responsibility is a Key aspect to soul development that leads to true happiness, positive outcomes and compensation.

I am still afraid in many circonstances but I am growing some faith in this and faith helps to overcome fears.