Becoming sincere vs my desire to sin: the battle of my soul

A sharing about my battle to unveil my facade and become more sincere

I am becoming more and more aware that I lack sincerity. And I hate to recognise it. I hate to feel how God does not respond to my prayer, how it points to my lack of sincere desire for her Love. I used to think that I was sincere, that God was the problem. God does not really care. He has more important things to do than spending time with me. And I don’t really want her Love anyway because it comes with a bunch of strings and demands attached to it, in particular that I feel all my emotional pains, that I tell the truth all the time, that I chose to stop wanting my addictions met and wanting to feed others addiction for the sake of feeling better about myself.

I am in terror of letting go of my facade of the “nice guy”

Everyday of my life, I have chosen insincerity towards people and towards God in some ways. Even towards myself which is even worse. Now, I try to be a bit more honest about it. It’s very scary because I feel I will be hated, rejected, attacked, judged, humiliated, condescended to for being sincere. Let me be more radically honest. I am in terror of letting go of my facade of the “nice guy”. I am so attached to it. But it is such a painful lie that I am ashamed about.

I have come to see more and more thanks to the teachings and personal feedback from Jesus and Mary (Divine Truth Website) that I am not that ‘nice person’ I wanted to believe I was and in so many ways. I don’t really believe it anymore. I am just trying hard to hide it to the world but it sucks so much. I am in a lot of emotional pain and some physical pain as a result of maintaining my facade. Everyday, I want control of everything that is happening, and I am raging when anything goes wrong. I am becoming a control freak.

My ‘daddy’s power game’ blocking God’s love

I have just recently come to realise how my lack of connection with my father as a child has had a major impact in my desire to sin with men and women and my lack of relationship with God. The lack of interest of my father for me, his preference for my older brother and his own low sense of self have been creating a very low self esteem in myself as a kid, feeding beliefs like ‘I am not worthy of his time, love, consideration, interest, etc’ I know they are false beliefs. But at 57, I still believe them. And as a result, I have been striving to get approval and acceptance from authority males figures my entire life. I need to be perfect, make no mistake, and work frantically hard for having men to tell me I am great, or just ‘good enough’. I try to get men’s approval all the time, it feels like an everlasting competition for recognition to avoid my lack of self worth feelings. I am exhausted by this power game.

Well, I am in this same ‘daddy power game’ with God. Unlike human, God does not answer any demand. God wants me to feel and release my false beliefs about myself so I can grow a sincere desire for his Love. Just Because I feel worthy of it and desire it rather than to demand his Love to avoid feeling unlovable. Jesus teaches that God wants to give his Love, even to me. I don’t know about that yet for sure but would like to find out.

Emotional Incest: what I got from mum and what it costed me

Then, there is how I treat women. Badly. The very fact that I was feeling unworthy as a boy, neglected by an absent and violent father, combined with my unhappy mother striving to feel like ‘a good mum’ and to avoid her sadness about not feeling a good mother for my 2 older siblings (she was studying and working hard at that time) and about feeling unloved by her husband, made me open, very open to receive her ‘special treatment’ making me to feel like an ‘especially good boy’. She made me feel that someone cares about myself and that I do matter somehow. But that came with a heavy price attached to it. I had to be what she wanted me to be. Nice, kind, happy, etc, not angry like my dad, listening to her, making her feel like a good mum.

I felt very suppressed, sad, lonely, and terrorized in this family environment. To survive, I developed a strong ‘happy good boy’ facade as a way to cope with my mother’s expectations and to get attention and approval from my dad. There was no place for the real little Pierre there. It was buried alive, very insecure in this family environment. Between my birth and my early 20s, I have been sick a lot: allergies, asthma, fever, nose running all the time, chronic bronchitis, appendicitis. I also was a sweet sugar addict with lots of dental cavities as a result. When I left the family home during Uni, it all suddenly disappeared.

Striving to get worth feelings from men and women and avoiding my grief

As a result of my childhood family’s dynamic, and because of my strong desire for my facade and my lack of desire to be sincere, I have just become the adult version of the child I was raised to be : striving to get worth feelings from men and women to avoid my grief, loneliness and powerlessness at all cost. I use overeating and internet distractions to bury my pain. I also use sexual projections to make me feel powerful without having to give anything in return. I have used porn and have entered sexual transactions in the sleep state with the same selfish unloving motivation.

I do have strong demands towards men and women to make me feel good, worthy and desirable.  I have become more and more angry as I am getting older that I don’t receive the same attention I strive for from women, and still work very  hard to get some approval from men.

I selfishly feed her addiction so she feeds mine in return and we both feel ‘good’

I have become so angry that I have to sacrifice myself to get what I want from a woman, that I have given up the desire for an intimate relationship. What I mean is to get what I demand in a relationship, my mum taught me to make my girl feel safe and good about herself. I selfishly feed her addiction so she feeds mine in return and we both feel ‘good’. This is all I have ever known about a relationship with a woman, I always lose myself. Well, there is no love in that kind of relationship. Love is a gift with no string attached, right? That kind of unloving relationship does not last, is meant to break up. God created the universe based on love, his laws aim at destroying everything that is not loving. That’s why I am alone again. And it is another painful failure as a result of my lack of sincerity and my desire to keep sinning.

I have given up to be loved, but for how long?

I have sadly given up to be loved. And to love. Yes, I am angry. I am in pain. But at the same time, I am a bit more sincere about where I really am right now, I am not a very nice person at all, and however scary it might feel, there is a hope that one day I might desire something better, to let go my facade and experiment what love really is, that I might feel what it means to love someone and maybe be loved in a sincere way. Jesus told us that sin is a temporary condition. So, I will keep praying everyday, and some day, I will be totally honest. That’s for sure. I just hope it will be before I pass.

Comments about Be Scofield article, “The New Predator: Spiritual Teacher Padma Aon Prakasha Accused of Abuse”

Journalist Be Scofield has just written a few days ago an article, entitled , “The New Predator: Spiritual Teacher Padma Aon Prakasha Accused of Abuse”. Here is what I feel about it.

I do not support this article and did not give permission for Be Scofield to use parts of my testimony in it.
It is a radically sensationalized article with absolutely no care or love shown to any of the victims or Padma himself. It is an article of grandiose attack of Padma, full of unhealed anger and resentment, turning Padma into the evil man and a cult to fear, and all people testifying as just ‘poor victims’. It does not explain anything real about the ‘why’ it happened, and that the victims were often open to, and willing to stay in an abusive relationship, and attracted it in some way. It is just another article feeding the public terror of abusive and violent male cult leaders.
While the quotes in the article are truths that were shared by the victims, and I am not disputing the articles factual information, I feel the article’s intention is to glorify another cult story and attempting to pull Padma down and seek out ‘justice’, which is just guised as revenge.
I had a conversation with Be Scofield just after the article’s publication. I asked her how she could have used parts of my testimony without my permission, and she told me that a journalist can use any piece of writing that has been already made public. Whilst I do not know whether it is true or not, there was a disclaimer in the introduction of the FB public page with my and others testimonies (https://www.facebook.com/groups/840490166135558/?multi_permalinks=842212539296654&notif_id=1520536003028049&notif_t=feedback_reaction_generic&ref=notif ) “No part of these testimonials may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the person testifying”, and I feel it is completely immoral and unethical for a journalist to exploit such sensitive information without any regard for the individual’s involved.
Nothing healing can come out of an article like this. It is a mixture of dark, satanic, alien nonsense which takes away from the loving intention that many of us came out publicly for. I avoided this type of article coming forth, by not participating with journalists who we felt lacked integrity, but I cannot and do not want to control what others choose to do with their free will.
Here is the link to the article:
https://medium.com/@bescofield/the-new-predator-spiritual-teacher-padma-aon-prakasha-accused-of-abuse-c9f14a8bd696

Interview about my testimony concerning Padma Aon Prakasha abuses

Journalist Deidre Olsen interviews me about my testimony regarding meeting Padma Aon Prakasha, renewed public author and spiritual teacher, and how I became his student and teacher, being blindly emotionally manipulated and abused by him, and how I later realized it all.

I further explain how Jesus and Mary helped me to become aware of my injuries and spiritual facade that made me open to Padma’s manipulations and abuses just because I was ignoring and avoiding my early childhood trauma’s. I became then unconsciously driven by pain and fears in a quest to feel good about myself: validated, approved, worth and special. Now that I have become more aware of my own childhood injuries, and have exposed and deconstructed a fair bit of my spiritual façade, people with evil intentions cannot abuse my weaknesses anymore in the same way Padma did. I do feel freedom and joy coming from knowing myself better, and being a more sincere and truthful expression of my true self, even though I have many other aspects of me that still need to be exposed, and healed.

Here is the link to the interview (49 minutes): https://drive.google.com/open?id=1JOW9dd5IzVny-RYU3anwATqUN2M8HWM7

NOTE: No part of this interview may be transcribed, reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, without my prior written permission.

Public testimonies regarding Padma Aon Prakasha abuses

A group of people has decided to go public on Facebook in sharing their personal experience of being abused by Padma Aon Prakasha, a public figure, author and spiritual teacher.

This testimony is part of a group of factual testimonies of people who have dared to speak truth in a loving, non attacking way. They have all been abused in various ways and intensity by Padma Aon Prakasha over the years of meeting him, being his partner, student or assistant. Here is fist an introduction stating our intention.

Introduction

We have created a forum dedicated to collect the factual testimonies of people who have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused by Padma Aon Prakasha. Each member of this group has freely chosen to share their testimonials abiding to the following criteria;

  1. Identify yourself honestly and openly providing your full birth name, (and other names known by) and contact details.
  2. Write your testimony as factually as you can remember.
  3. Be prepared to speak up in a public manner.
  4. Testimonies that are attacking towards Padma Aon Prakasha or show no personal responsibility for the attraction to him, will not be published on this page.

Padma Aon Prakasha is a public figure known as an international spiritual teacher, healer and author of spiritual books: ‘The Power of Shakti,’ ‘Womb Wisdom,’ ‘Sacred Relationships,’ ‘The Christ Blueprint’, ‘The Nine Eyes of Light: Ascension Keys from Egypt,’ ‘Dimensions of Love,’ and ‘Sacred Wounds: Original Innocence.’

His biography on the Amazon website reads;

‘Padma Aon Prakasha is an evolutionary author, visionary creative force and spiritual teacher. Padma holds the power of great change and transformation, and is part of the new generation of evolutionary guides. He combines all his multiple lineage initiations, teachings and skills into being a powerful catalyst for soul expansion. His ability to tap into the heart of the ancient mysteries and articulate their modern day message is renowned, and he has been described as, “Unique, provocative, fresh, full of profound integrity, knowledge and experience.’

Padma is described by other well-known spiritual teachers in public domains in the following way;

“Padma Aon Prakasha is a rare find. He has the unique ability to transport your body, mind and soul to the next octave of consciousness with his words of wisdom, heartfelt questions, and vast love for everyone he meets.”

“Power of Shakti is a book of hope and healing. It gives us the keys to heal the old wound resulting from the repression of the feminine power of the world”

Since 1997, Padma has taught in over 20 countries worldwide.

Padma claims to assist others to deepen their connection with the Divine and develop a loving connection with yourself, with your partner, and with the world around.”

For those of us who have publicly shared our testimonials, we would like to express the purpose and our intentions of contributing in this way.

Although each person testifying here has known Padma at different times, come from different countries, are varied in age group and have often never met in person, we all have similar desires and similar emotional injuries that attracted Padma into our lives.

We all had a strong desire to seek a spiritually powerful man who claimed to have the gift to heal our emotional wounds, which could ultimately enable us to reach our full potential and connect with God. We willingly gave him our power, and due the unhealed emotional injuries within us, allowed ourselves to be controlled and abused. For the women who testify here, many have been sexually abused by Padma. These women are initially attracted to him due to their need to feel special, feel sexually pure, (most have some sexual trauma from their childhood), and to be attached to a man whom they believe is spiritually powerful. He does not need to revert to rape, because he gains control over these women and they willingly give themselves to him. Padma gains power over women by telling them that he can heal their wombs and open them up to greater freedom, joy and spiritual fulfilment.

As each of us looked up to him as someone with authority and superior to us, we unconsciously affirmed our own deep sense of inferiority and feelings of unworthiness, which came from our early childhood experiences.

The decision to create this platform for individuals to share their testimonials was inspired by AJ Miller and Mary Luck. More can be found out about them and their teachings on www.divinetruth.com. Padma was introduced to these teachings in 2010. Padma uses many of these truths shared on Divine Truth and teaches them as his own. Very often he has plagiarized from AJ Miller and manipulated the teachings for his own personal gain. The Divine Truth teachings have inspired and facilitated the healing of several individuals who have been abused by Padma and who have testified. If it weren’t for these two individuals, this platform would not exist and many of us would not have had the courage, or gone through the necessary healing, in order to write our testimonials.

The intention of going public is that when others, who are seeking a spiritual teacher or healer, do an internet search, they are able to find factual information warning them about Padma and his abuse of so many students and partners.

This platform does not support attacking Padma or intentionally setting out to harm him. We wish to protect any violent attacks on Padma, or any other person, by the public and because of this choose to make this page a viewing platform only. It is not open to comments, personal opinions, gossip, speculation, propaganda, or any unloving behaviour towards Padma or those who testify.

Padma has been given direct feedback consistently over the last 10 years. Everything that is shared here has been stated to Padma in the hope that he chooses to take loving actions. When people speak up and share the truth about him, he becomes violently rageful, attacking them in every possible way, and frightening them with threats of spirit attacks. This is also why many others do not wish to come forward and testify. They are very afraid of him.

All of us who have shared our stories are prepared for this potential attack, not only from Padma but from his followers who remain loyal to him. We have compassion for those who are still entrenched in his teachings and remain willingly in co-dependent abusive relationships with him. All of us understand the overwhelming desire to get our own addictions met; the need to feel special, important, powerful, healed, validated and worthy. When we want this so badly, we can do almost anything to have it met.

We would like to acknowledge the courage and remarkable bravery that we have all come to know in following through with this process. Every testimonial is precious and every soul has made one major step from spiritual blindness to some degree of clarity. We wish the same for everyone reading this and we pray with all our heart that your journey to find spiritual fulfillment and healing be kind, compassionate, gentle and loving.

“By their actions they shall be known.”

My personal testimony, dated 7/3/2018

NOTE: No part of this testimony may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, without my prior written permission.

“I have met Padma for the first time in organized tour in Egypt called the Tantra of Light in February 2008. I simply discovered a link marketing the tour through internet.

The first time I met Padma, I was very impressed by him as he welcomed me with a large impressive hug, with a large smile, full of love as if he knew me already and I was his best friend. I became quickly very attracted to Padma’s teachings and personality because he would make me feel special, helped and supported, important. He was attractive to me, powerful, fearless, and what I thought was a spiritually evolved person. I wanted to become like him on that respect. I had – and still have – a very low sense of self, was looking for a substitute father’s figure that inspired and loved me, and was also very said in my own intimate relationship. I was in a condition to be very easily manipulated, and I would almost accept everything coming from him in the hope to become spiritually evolved and worthy. I really wanted to feel special, worth of his attention and care, and he fed this addiction perfectly.

Padma was most of the time really good and friendly with me, like a really good friend that cares about me, and one that really see me and value me as I truly am. I was feeling good because he met most of my addictions to feel good about myself, most of the time. So, I grew a strong sense of trust towards him that he wanted just all good for me and others.

However, on a few occasions, all along the time I have known him, this is more than 3 years, he has been attacking my sense of self-worth, telling me how I was still full of errors and underdeveloped spiritually. I would really feel terrible about myself, like a piece of shit, and then in this space, he would tell me he knows what I need to do to grow, and how I could heal. In this way, Padma was creating in me a kind of link of dependence where I felt he knows better, he is more developed, I need him to heal myself, and so, I should listen to him.

Sometimes I would feel really scared of Padma’s sudden violent behaviour towards the group of someone in particular, but then I would reason myself that this was love in action, and that it was just for the benefit of us or that person that Padma had to be that firm. This is what I thought love would be because Padma knows best what love is.

I also heard about his ‘violent’ treatments of women, through hearing women getting suddenly angry at him, or seeing his assistant or lovers being suddenly banned and disappearing without any explanation, but I did not dare to really investigate and question his authority about why he chose so. I was scared of his unexpected violent reactions, his attacking my sense of worth or rejecting me as well, and I did not dare to question his authority.

Padma recommended me to break with my 9-year-old partner because she was not ‘spiritual’ enough and we had no sexual intimacy for the last 2 years. He told me that I need sexual intimacy to grow spiritually. I was very said in my relationship at that point in time, and easily manipulated into leaving my partner. I wanted to feel sexually worth as a man and felt completely sexually rejected by my partner, but we were still good friends and she was a good and friendly person. Already in Egypt, as I was still in relationship, I started flirting with another woman that had been praised by Padma in front of the whole group, and I felt Padma’s approval. I was not even sexually attracted by that women. I also felt other women sexual projections onto me, and felt really worth as a man.

While I was still in relationship, Padma kept pressurize me into engaging sexual intimacy with other women. I told my partner about how despaired I felt, and we decided to take both some sexual freedom and see what happens. Then, I started to occasionally sexually engage with other partners with the hope to grow spiritually and to get Padma’s approval, and I felt better about myself.

Eventually, I decided to leave my partner. When I left her, I staid single for 6 months. Padma then manipulated me into entering a relationship with one of his female student. What happens is that Padma told me during my first trip in Egypt with him, how this woman and me could potentially become really great teachers of him if we were together in an intimate relationship. I was really excited about that possibility to become a teacher. But, I felt really scared of that woman and did not feel to flirt with her. Padma knew that this woman felt attracted to me. He asked me to play her ‘sacred’ partner’s role in the centre of a private ceremony of 40 people during the tour in Egypt. This was really weird as I was playing a role but my heart was not sincerely involved. We eventually became friends, but nothing more. Then, more than a year after the Egypt tour, as I was single for 6 months, Padma told me during a workshop in South of France: “You really need a partner to keep growing spiritually, ask your soul what partner you soul wants”. I was looking so much for his approval and wanted to become important as a teacher that I answered the name of this woman he introduced to me in Egypt. Then, Padma pressurized me on the spot to write her an email inviting her to be my partner. I was really terrorized, but I felt that it was the right thing to do to grow spiritually and serve the world. So, I did write to her, and she directly accepted. We entered a relationship, and eventually got married. After paying both a lot of money to be trained as Padma’s teacher, we became Padma’s official teachers. I believed I was becoming someone “special”, useful, doing healing and helping lots of people. We end up teaching a few workshops together in Europe and I enjoyed it very much. The relationship felt terrible at times, and really abusive to me, and at a few occasions I really wanted to run away. I was staying just for the wrong reason, to try to do the right thing, to keep having Padma’s approval. I did not know what I would do if I left her. I would lose Padma’s approval, I would lose my new job and sense of worth as a teacher. I was terrorized.

The next year, while we were Padma’s assistants training new teachers on an internet Forum, I discovered the teaching of Divine Truth from AJ Miller and Mary Luck (www.divinetruth.com) that Padma was referring to more and more in his teachings about God and love. I became quickly fascinated by what AJ Miller was revealing in his teachings. This man felt so respectful of people free will, humble and kind, it was so different from the harsh treatment that Padma called love. I became really confused. I started to have more and more doubt and discomfort about Padma’s attitude towards his students and assistants. One day, I could not keep quiet, and I addressed and questioned publicly what I felt to be an unloving and manipulative post from Padma on the forum because I had learned from AJ Miller that love always honour people free will. As only response, I have been immediately banned from his team, and my partner who had nothing to do with it was banned too. It was really an outburst of rage from Padma with personal attack and threads. Nobody among the other teachers dared to say anything about it, they were all scared of facing the same fate.

Here is a copy of the email Padma sent me (back then known as Amael to Padma) and my partner on July 12, 2011. It illustrates very well the way Padma tends to put people self-worth down, and often accused them of projecting evil thoughts at him, when he feels threatened in his power and control;

“If you two wish to continue spreading delusion and theories without any back up or experience that you have had of them on my forum to my group, i will expell you within 12 hours.

Amael, your projections onto me with your ideals of perfection have happened three times in the last week, and only show something about you and your own wounds around perfection that bind you still. I will not be projected onto one more time by you.

If you are trying in some dim witted way to challenge me this is a very naive move to do. Know whom and what you are dealing with.

If you suddenly feel that you are all knowing about love and truth when you are just entering the 2nd sphere, i feel sorry for you.

I will not go around my group repairing damage you are doing with your ignorance.

Your brother Nico shared you wished to learn. I trust he is right.

You have neither right nor authority to offer anything in this community without consulting me first. There is only 1 leader here.

If you wish to set up your own community, then go for it with you 3. Good luck to you and may God Be with you.

If you wish to be part of this one, then i suggest you amend your attitude and become a bit more humble.

I have taken you both off the Forum. I may put you back if and when i feel a shift in you, or not. “

Padma

I was really under shock during a couple of days, but then, I started feeling a sense of deep relief to become free of Padma’s controlling influence. And so did my partner.

A week later, Padma wrote us a message to sort of apologize, but I did not feel any sincere regret, remorse, in his words, he was more justifying his past unloving behaviour:

“Dear Ones, 

Now the dust has settled and you are more on your track, i feel to share something with you both. 

What has happened is for the best for everything, and i felt that from the beginning. This is why i did not feel to share anything before this. 

None of us can be held in past reference points of who we were, as opposed to who we now are. Any projection or feeling of this is detrimental to who we actually are now and what we can become.

The error i made was not actually to do with what was being thought of by you, and was rectified within days of me making my outburst. The outburst was for different reasons than what you thought. I did not feel to share this with you as you both think of me as something i am not, and something from the past. I appreciated A. final response a little more as it was more aspiring to Truth; this was because A. was not projecting her own wound onto me and just sharing some principles. I am sorry if you were hurt by my outburst in any way, as i did not wish to create harm or offend anyone. 

Whilst we all make errors of differing degrees, it is true that the sooner we rectify them the better, and there is no sin left when we do this fully. 

I love you both, and wish you the best for your continuance into God now and in the spirit world. I have assisted your souls out of the hells, and this is what i agreed to do, with Gods Help. 

God Bless you. Padma”

I wish Padma no harm. Today, I feel entirely responsible for all my unloving choices towards myself and many others under Padma’s influence, and I understand much more of why I attracted Padma into my life.

I just hope that my testimony, among others, will help to prevent more harm to be done to other people that come in contact with Padma, and that Padma may get to see the truth of his own condition, and eventually grow a desire to stop doing more harm to himself and others. Padma’s methods are not spiritual. It is an evil act to manipulate people’s injuries and weaknesses and harm them to our own benefit. I have learned today that true spirituality is all about truth, love and kindness…”

Pierre

You may read other testimonies on the Facebook public forum.